How to Pick Up Girls on the Astral Plane

By Master Forest Monk Dale Beran

One: Read to them.

Read to them about mock trials in which you are the victim.

Two: Eat all the time.

Slowly devour vegetables everyday. No pork, dairy.

Three: Sever your connections with girls you once knew or met on the tangible plane.

They can only make you unhappy and drag down future benevolent romances.

Four: If you meet a thought-manifestation on the astral plane, and she seems nice, restrain yourself from grabbing hold of her immediately and pecking her on the cheek.

They don't like this. They respond to whispered praise. Get close enough to do this. They feed on their own pale ethereal form. Tell them it is opalescent and you can see the gems embedded inside them glinting. Do not reach inside to grab those gems, however close they may seem to the surface.

Five: Never remain a friend too long.

This is a grave mistake even the pros make. Remember, if the conversation does not grow very heated, gleam with all the blue sparkles in your no-mind.

Six: Ask for her phone number in the sensual world.

I know this is not for everybody and forms differ highly from what one perceives on the astral plane. But still if you get her phone number in the sensual world, even if she died years ago, there is still the possibility that she is ready to talk to you even if it means revealing her true self.

Seven: Never Slumber.

Sleeping is the mistake that most people make. This weakens the resolution of the third eye. It waters. This action keeps it desperately dry and thirsty for sight of the ordinary world. If you have difficulty leaving this perceptual system at all, try climbing atop a tall, exposed place in inclement weather. Strip off your clothing in shreds. Cover yourself in grasses and mud. Make a vow to stop breathing. You will reach the astral plane shortly.